me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
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If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
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COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?