me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
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[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Saw your ex at the shops
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave