During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
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*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I love you…
…r dog.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?