Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
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Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.