Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
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Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
getting old is fun
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒