the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
WWE is French for “yes”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
