the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I can’t stop watching this.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
📽️movie date🎞️
![]()
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
me irl
![]()
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.