Twitter: You already tweeted that.

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I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.


Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro


Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.


If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.


Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.


If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.


If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.


Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.


My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.