Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
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Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
#damn
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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