@WilliamAder

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

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@robyn_vo

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

@Heatinblack

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

@_Vaginasaurus

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

@WilliamAder

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

@bossybutfair

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

@robdelaney

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

@yogaknifefight

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.