Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.![]()
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Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
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Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.