Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
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My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Woke up against my better judgment again
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Schrödinger’s cookie
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I think they could have phrased this better
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.