I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
The Struggle
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”