If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
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MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing