[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Why font matters.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
This was a bad idea all around
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
no one likes gloating
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.