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i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
scrabbled eggs
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Van Gone
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice