‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
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Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich