me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
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Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
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People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
This guy’s not having it 😆
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
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Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”