Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
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Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love