Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
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Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!