[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
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it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I was just discussing this with my cat
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.