Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
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The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
❤️❤️❤️
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat