[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
You Might Also Like
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good