I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
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babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I put the mess in domestic.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops