“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
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Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Erm…
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.