Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
You Might Also Like
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?