HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
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When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.