Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
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PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.