He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.