Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
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I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
April 1st is the class clown of days.