I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
You are what you delete.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I know this now 😂
What?!?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.