If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
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Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.