Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
best review i’ve ever seen
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman