An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Always
definitely did not do anything wrong
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.