Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
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[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.