People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.