god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
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Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Thank you corporation very cool
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me