The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
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“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday