That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
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Respect
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Do one person every day that scares you.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.