You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
new record!
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
damn he’s good
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.