You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
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I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.