Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
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[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”