[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
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stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
🙅🏻
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
me when the borders lift
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.