Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
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Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
the best thing i’ve ever made
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh