My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
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If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
*looks at you in batman voice*
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof