what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
repaired
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…