Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
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some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
A French press is when you hug naked
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
that’s really how it is
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*