It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
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“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.