Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
He is just living hist best little life 😊