I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
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Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
This is a true ally.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed