Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
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*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future