“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
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Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
They got Raph!
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag