If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.