If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Livid.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it