every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
![]()
You Might Also Like
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
![]()
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art