My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
.
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Squash
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.