My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
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The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.